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Miscellaneous 
None of the jokes, funnies and one-liners are meant to insult, hurt or cause harm to anyone. If it does, we apologize sincerely. If you want anything taken off our site, please email us and we will review your request for consideration. Some of the launguage may be inappropriate for anyone under 16
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YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2008 when..
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played Solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't#9 on this list
AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself.
Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want to.
Deep Thoughts
When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a turtle loses his a shell, is he homeless or naked?
What do they call a coffee break at the Lipton Tea Company?
If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?
If quitters never win and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit
while your ahead"?!
If they arrest the Energizer bunny would they charge it with battery?
Everyone has a photographic memory; it's just that some of us are out of
film.
Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause
kids.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.
Oooops ! Crap !!
It was opening night at the Orpheum theater and the Amazing Eileen was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do her stuff.
As the Amazing Eileen took to the stage, she announced, ''Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.''
The excitement was almost electric as the Amazing Eileen withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from her coat.
''I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch . It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations.''
She began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, ''Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch.... ''.
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
''Sh*t'' said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the theatre . ...
LAWS OF LIFE
Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
Bathtub THEOREM: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.
LAW OF ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
LAW of the RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will!
LAW OF BIOMECHANICS: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
THEATRE RULE: People with the seats at the furthest from the aisle arrive last.
LAW OF COFFEE: As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
INTERESTING DEFINITIONS
Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich.
Nurse: A person who wakes you up to give you sleeping pills.
Divorce: Future tense of Marriage.
Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine waterpower.
Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"
Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece..
Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.
Nuclear Bomd: An invention to end all inventions.
Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
Opportunist: A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
Criminal: A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.
Boss; Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.
Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with your partner about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.
8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
11. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.
12. And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.
13. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
One out of four people is a chinese.
If your father, your mother and your brother are not Chinese, it must be you
YOU ARE OLD WHEN....
... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one; I can't do both!"
... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
... Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
... "Getting a little action" means you don't need to take any fiber today
... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
... An "all nighter" means not getting up to use the bathroom.
... You are not sure these are jokes .
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| GUFFAWABLES
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One liners - Definitions
Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool at the other.
Marriage: It's an agreement in which the man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gains her master's.
Divorce: Future tense of marriage.
Dictionary: A place where divorce comes before marriage and success before work.
Ecstasy: A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.
Classic: A book which people praise but do not read.
Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Office: A place where you can relax from the strenuous home life.
Yawn: The only time some married men get to open their mouth.
Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.
Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.
A Toilet is like a committee meeting.
People come with a lot of pressure, sit, create a lot of noise, and ultimately DROP THE MATTER.
Funniest Newspaper Classified ADS
(Actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers)
1. Illiterate? Write today for free help.
(man....if only I knew A B C....) :d
2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once; you'll never go anywhere again.
(sure...thanx for the warning!) :d
3. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
(in months or years?) :d
4. Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.
(check it out) :d
5. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
(howwww sweeeet) :d
6. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
(wow! A free trip to heaven?)
7. Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it.
(uh...huh!) :d
8. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
(hey....who taught cows the bad habit??)
Five Chinese friends, Chu, Bu, Hu, Fu and Su decided to immigrate to the US .
In order to get visas, they had to adapt their names to American standards.
Chu became Chuck
Bu became Buck
Hu became Huck
*
*
*
*
Fu and Su decided to stay in China
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court," said the Police officer.
"No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying for years."
Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?
It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!
Great Insults
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
-- Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with
great pleasure."
-- Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to
the dictionary."
-- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big
words?"
-- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time
reading it."
-- Moses Hadas
"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I
know."
-- Abraham Lincoln
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
-- Groucho Marx
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I
approved of it."
-- Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
-- Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring
a friend.... if you have one."
-- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there
is one."
-- Winston Churchill,
in response "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
-- Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
-- John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing
trivial."
-- Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."
-- Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
-- Paul Keating
"He had delusions of adequacy."
-- Walter Kerr
"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."
-- Jack E. Leonard
"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt."
-- Robert Redford
"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of
human knowledge."
-- Thomas Brackett Reed
"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by
diligent hard work, he overcame them."
-- James Reston (about Richard Nixon)
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
-- Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
-- Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on
it?"
-- Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
-- Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
-- Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts.. . for support
rather than illumination. "
-- Andrew Lang
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
-- Billy Wilder
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